Around this time of year, one sees ‘clever’ Valentine’s Day poems all over the internet and on cards and on the packaging of pretty much any product that comes in packaging. As a somewhat nerdy English major, I like to read these poems for the sole purpose of laughing at them. I always wonder if anyone actually would use them as a means of communication. Unfortunately, as such poems are almost invariably sappy romantic poems, anyone who has non-sappy and unromantic Valentine’s Day messages to convey via bad poetry is somewhat at a disadvantage. Therefore, as a public service, I would like to offer the following unromantic bad Valentine’s Day poems, for anyone who might have any use for them.

 

Roses are red, violets are blue,

Have you discovered the gift I left you?

It’s alive and it’s slimy and it’s kinda green.

I’ll know that you’ve found it when I hear you scream.

 

I have something to tell you, so please don’t be annoyed.

There’s a Valentine’s Day danger I suggest that you avoid.

You might think that this holiday is something really sweet,

But don’t google image ‘human heart’ too soon before you eat.

 

Roses are red, violets are blue

How are you liking this poem I wrote you?

Please observe that I took the time

To make it real good by making it rhyme.

 

I like you just a little bit; all right, not at all.

I turn around and run away when I see you in the hall.

But I have to ask you anyway, “Oh please will you be mine?

‘Cause no one else is willing to give me a valentine.”

 

Roses are red, violets are blue,

Please step aside, you’re blocking the view.

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