A few days ago, for just an instant, my wrist hurt for no readily apparent reason. “Ouch,” I said to myself, and looked at my wrist in search of a readily apparent reason. Of course, I didn’t find one, but by that time, my wrist had stopped hurting, and so the incident was past. A normal person would have thought nothing of the matter and probably would have entirely forgotten about it within minutes. However, I am not a normal person. I am a ridiculously weird person who also happens to be a bit of a science fiction nerd, and so I felt the need to explain this mysterious event in terms of a complex and convoluted theory.

This didn’t take much thought, because as it so happens, I already had a theory for this type of thing. In all fairness, I have to credit my sister with this theory, although her version is different than mine, and I’m not sure she entirely approves of how I’ve changed the idea that she created. Fortunately, since the biggest difference between these theories is the terminology, I can pretty much do whatever I want with my version without it having any bearing on her version.

Parallel universes

The original theory was that random and inexplicable sensations of pain occur when one’s self in a semi-parallel universe gets hurt. The problem with this idea is that there is no such thing as a semi-parallel universe because the phrase semi-parallel is meaningless and mathematically absurd. Therefore, I have proposed that such alternate universes be called perpendicular universes. They must intersect in order for physical sensations to cross from one to another, and any time things intersect, that geometrically proves that they aren’t parallel.

Perpendicular Universes

Technically, they aren’t actually perpendicular, either. Perpendicular things only intersect once, and these alternate universes apparently intersect more than once. Therefore, it is my opinion that what I call perpendicular universes are actually complexly looped and tangled, like strings of Christmas tree lights after being stored in a box for the good part of a year, or the cords of earphones that have been carried in a laptop case for the course of a long road trip.

This is an accurate metaphor for the way the multiverse works.

This is a simplified, but more accurate illustration of the relationship between the alternate universes.

Of course, this theory really gets complicated when you take into account the fact that universes are not lines. Lines are one-dimensional, and universes are nine-dimensional. (Yes, that is something that I decided myself without any basis in scientific knowledge, but I do actually have an explanation for what each of the nine dimensions is, so I’m going to stick with that number. This is science fiction we’re talking about here, not real science, and the two have almost no relation to each other.) For the sake of my diagrams, though, we’re just going to pretend that universes are only one-dimensional, because I have no idea how to visually represent something in nine dimensions.

So there you have it. A few days ago, my wrist hurt momentarily because my self in a not-really-perpendicular and totally-not-parallel universe probably bumped it walking into a wall or something like that. My alternate self should be more careful.

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