It has come to my attention that many people treat their furniture with an utter lack of creativity and purpose. They believe that dressers are for keeping clothes in, beds are for sleeping on, and chairs are for sitting on. The main problem with this way of looking at things is that it involves ending a sentence with a preposition. (That’s not what prepositions are for. This is something I feel very strongly about. There are some things I just refuse to put up with. Prepositions are absolutely not words for ending sentences with.) The other problem with this way of looking at things is that it’s not particularly cool. Therefore, I would like to present this explanation of the real purposes of various pieces of furniture.

Correct Use of a Desk
July 2012

The Desk: Like most types of furniture, desks are best used as a place to stack books while you’re not reading them. Because a desk offers a nice flat surface, it is also an ideal place to do a jigsaw puzzle or to set up a chess board or a scrabble board. Additionally, according to a certain cliché, the quantity and organization of the things on a person’s desk act as an indicator of his or her intelligence.

Correct Use of a Wardrobe
December 2011

The Wardrobe: Although wardrobes are not as standard as other types of furniture due to the fact that many people think that a closet is a perfectly reasonable substitute, they actually serve other purposes which render them essential. For one thing, people can climb on top of wardrobes and sit up there for hours on end, like a cat. The writer of this blog post once did a take-home exam while sitting squished in the 18-inch space between the top of the wardrobe and the ceiling, and made a quite nice grade on said exam. The most significant and useful feature of a wardrobe, though, is that they have more surface area than the wall. When a wardrobe is standing up against the wall, which is generally considered to be the ideal place for a wardrobe, there are three sides still available for use. The surface area of these three sides is considerably greater than the area of the wall that is covered by the wardrobe. The reason that this is a good thing should be apparent.

The Chair: Chairs are useful places for keeping things which do not fit on the desk, because the desk is covered with books, board games, and a jigsaw puzzle. The types of things that can be stored on chairs include more books, more board games, another puzzle, stacks of CDs, or a laptop computer. Chairs are also useful devices that, when stood upon, allow a person to reach objects on high shelves. They also can help a person to climb on top of the wardrobe. A final purpose of chairs is that they are essential to the fascinating sport known as Tipping Your Chair Back and Trying to Balance. In order to play this game, athletes sit on the chair, then tip it back onto two legs (in theory, this could also be done with only one chair leg) and attempt not to fall off by tipping back too far. It should be noted that this sport is considered so dangerous that most parents highly discourage their children from practicing it. The writer of this blog post requests that readers refrain from mentioning to her parents that she has acknowledged in her blog that she is an amateur Tipping Your Chair Back and Trying to Balance player.

Correct Use of a Bed
September 2011

The Bed: A bed is a multi-purpose piece of furniture. During the day, it functions as a useful place to stack books that don’t fit on the desk because of the jigsaw puzzle, board games, and other books. At night, it serves as a place to sit while reading said books. As a special feature, beds are usually soft enough that if one happens to fall asleep while reading, one will be relatively comfortable. Besides this, beds can be used as a place to keep a laptop computer that doesn’t fit on the desk or the chair, and a bed is a good place to sit while using the laptop computer.

Correct Use of a Table
November 2010

The Table: This item completes the list because it (along with bookshelves) is one of the few pieces of furniture that is generally used correctly. The correct use for tables, of course, is as a place for putting food. And books, board games, and jigsaw puzzles.