Let the Fruitcake Jokes Begin


Last Year's Fruitcake

Last Year’s Fruitcake

I have a confession to make. A couple days ago, I made a fruitcake. Two fruitcakes, actually. I got a bowl and I filled it with flour, brown sugar, white sugar, baking powder, baking soda, various spices, corn syrup, melted butter, eggs, a little milk, some almond extract, chopped apples, chopped walnuts, and assorted candied fruits, all in relatively arbitrary quantities. Then I poured the whole conglomeration into two greased bread pans and stuck them in a hot oven for a while. Voila, fruitcake. Lest ye think that I am a heinous evildoer for inflicting fruitcake upon an already troubled world, I shall explain my motives.

This Year's Fruitcake

This Year’s Fruitcake

1. I was making supper. Most of the family was out at a Christmas party, so there were just a few of us there to eat supper, and I was therefore supposed to do something quick and simple. The benefit of quick-and-simple cooking, obviously, is that it doesn’t take a lot of time or effort, but the downside is that it just isn’t fun. Real cooking is when you have multiple pots on the stove, cutting boards on the counter, and mixing bowls in your hand. Real cooking means juggling several different elements of the meal, constantly doing math in your head, and carefully timing every move you make so that nothing burns and everything is ready at more or less the same time. The fact of the matter is that, after three and a half years in college without access to a kitchen, I am no longer proficient at that kind of cooking, and quick-and-simple is the only kind of meal that’s likely to turn out well. But it’s just so boring to only have one pot on the stove, so it was necessary that I have some other project taking place on the counter.

2. We still had candied fruit from last year. I was actually a little skeptical that it was still good to use, but my mother said it would be fine, and, as far as I can tell, she was right about that. At any rate, we certainly couldn’t let that candied fruit go to waste, could we? Of course, last year’s fruitcake was the reason that we had leftover candied fruit, and at the time, I bought it especially for a fruitcake, so I couldn’t have used this motive to justify last year’s fruitcake.

3. Fruitcake jokes are, as a general rule, hilarious. I don’t know why, but they are. I have heard that Johnny Carson is the exemplary fruitcake-joke-maker, and that his theory states that there is only one fruitcake in the world that just keeps getting passed around and around as a Christmas gift and never eaten. Just like that fruitcake, fruitcake jokes are exactly the same every time, but they’re always funny.

4. I like fruitcake. Yes, really. Apparently, so do other people in my family, because my fruitcakes do get eaten.

So there you have it. I admit that I made a fruitcake, and furthermore, I think I’m going to do it again later this week.


Correct Use of Furniture

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It has come to my attention that many people treat their furniture with an utter lack of creativity and purpose. They believe that dressers are for keeping clothes in, beds are for sleeping on, and chairs are for sitting on. The main problem with this way of looking at things is that it involves ending a sentence with a preposition. (That’s not what prepositions are for. This is something I feel very strongly about. There are some things I just refuse to put up with. Prepositions are absolutely not words for ending sentences with.) The other problem with this way of looking at things is that it’s not particularly cool. Therefore, I would like to present this explanation of the real purposes of various pieces of furniture.

Correct Use of a Desk
July 2012

The Desk: Like most types of furniture, desks are best used as a place to stack books while you’re not reading them. Because a desk offers a nice flat surface, it is also an ideal place to do a jigsaw puzzle or to set up a chess board or a scrabble board. Additionally, according to a certain cliché, the quantity and organization of the things on a person’s desk act as an indicator of his or her intelligence.

Correct Use of a Wardrobe
December 2011

The Wardrobe: Although wardrobes are not as standard as other types of furniture due to the fact that many people think that a closet is a perfectly reasonable substitute, they actually serve other purposes which render them essential. For one thing, people can climb on top of wardrobes and sit up there for hours on end, like a cat. The writer of this blog post once did a take-home exam while sitting squished in the 18-inch space between the top of the wardrobe and the ceiling, and made a quite nice grade on said exam. The most significant and useful feature of a wardrobe, though, is that they have more surface area than the wall. When a wardrobe is standing up against the wall, which is generally considered to be the ideal place for a wardrobe, there are three sides still available for use. The surface area of these three sides is considerably greater than the area of the wall that is covered by the wardrobe. The reason that this is a good thing should be apparent.

The Chair: Chairs are useful places for keeping things which do not fit on the desk, because the desk is covered with books, board games, and a jigsaw puzzle. The types of things that can be stored on chairs include more books, more board games, another puzzle, stacks of CDs, or a laptop computer. Chairs are also useful devices that, when stood upon, allow a person to reach objects on high shelves. They also can help a person to climb on top of the wardrobe. A final purpose of chairs is that they are essential to the fascinating sport known as Tipping Your Chair Back and Trying to Balance. In order to play this game, athletes sit on the chair, then tip it back onto two legs (in theory, this could also be done with only one chair leg) and attempt not to fall off by tipping back too far. It should be noted that this sport is considered so dangerous that most parents highly discourage their children from practicing it. The writer of this blog post requests that readers refrain from mentioning to her parents that she has acknowledged in her blog that she is an amateur Tipping Your Chair Back and Trying to Balance player.

Correct Use of a Bed
September 2011

The Bed: A bed is a multi-purpose piece of furniture. During the day, it functions as a useful place to stack books that don’t fit on the desk because of the jigsaw puzzle, board games, and other books. At night, it serves as a place to sit while reading said books. As a special feature, beds are usually soft enough that if one happens to fall asleep while reading, one will be relatively comfortable. Besides this, beds can be used as a place to keep a laptop computer that doesn’t fit on the desk or the chair, and a bed is a good place to sit while using the laptop computer.

Correct Use of a Table
November 2010

The Table: This item completes the list because it (along with bookshelves) is one of the few pieces of furniture that is generally used correctly. The correct use for tables, of course, is as a place for putting food. And books, board games, and jigsaw puzzles.